Tried swallowing your tongue ever?
She carefully placed her bare pudgy feet on the cold metal ladder. She climbed up, eyes glinting, her plump toddler cheeks blushing pink in the winter chill.
And then it happened.
A snowy pigeon perched itself on the top rung.
I sensed tiny Laibah recoiling in horror. I gripped her tight. Though her first instinct was to flee, she soon gained composure & relaxed into my arms. Her aunt (me) was there to protect her from a kabootar.
“Shoooo! Warna SHER aajaayega!” she squeaked.
In utter amusement, I watched pint-sized Laibah making an angry face and shaking a tiny threatening finger at a bird! She was imitating her dad and delivering his favorite ‘threat’ to get the job done! In her innocent mind, that was her Raam-Baan to scare the bejeezus out of that wretched pigeon!
Parents or elder siblings have been giving empty threats to little ones for generations now. Is it ok to use ‘fear’ as a tool to get the job done? I realise this is a big point of debate in the parenting world.
Nevertheless, empty threats make for great entertainment as Indian parents and siblings unleash their creativity to coerce younger ones into eating their veggies, sleeping on time, doing their homework, confiscating treats etc etc.
Here are some of the coolest threats I’ve come across. Reported by desi parents / kids:
- “Give me your share of the sweets / biscuits else I will swallow my tongue!”
My mom’s elder brother threatened her with this often. Afraid that her brother might swallow & poop-out his own tongue, she gave her share of biscuits, buns & other monthly treats to him. Until this was discovered by dad & big brother’s backside got whipped into hot cross buns.
- “ Mera homework kar de warna mummy ko bata doongi ki tu canteen ka samosa khaati hai!”
We had a Poor Children’s Welfare fund (PCW) in school. Every Monday, we could drop coins in a piggy bank which would be used for buying school supplies for poor kids. My sister used to ask my parents for loose change for PCW almost every Monday, until one of my friends caught her giving her ghar ka dabba to poor children & eating canteen samosa in the recess. This was my cue to question her interpretation of ‘Poor Children’s Welfare’ & get my homework done for her deciding to help poor children in (eatable) kind.
- “ Behen ko maarogey toh haath mein kaatey ugenge!”
Desi bhais get this threat from their parents especially when the parents are not able to take the sibling rivalry anymore! Bhai-behen war of words like “Tu toh adopted beta hai”, “Tujhe kachre ke dabbe se laaye they”, “Mom hates you, I’m the fav child” etc. are for another post altogether!
- “ Itna TV dekhoge toh your eyes will become square!”
My friend’s daughter owns 24 pairs of footwear at age 8. She has a dress in every shade, and exclusive accessories to match each one. She styles her own hair intricately by watching You-Tube videos. She decorates & maintains her room with surprising care & detail. Suffices to say that I’m as good as a rag doll in her comparison!
Her mom, fed-up with her TV addiction, decided to use her daughter’s vanity as the threat-weapon. Afraid that her pretty eyes will indeed become square in shape, Mihika stopped watching TV!
- “ Mom, buy me a burger NOW or imma call 911!”
Sometimes, the threat is ulti-Ganga. Another friend’s 6-year-old is very close to her American cousin. She picks up the American accent / culture from the cousin.
Apparently, kids studying in America are taught by their school teachers that they should call 911 if they feel threatened or scared, even of their own parents. Culture differences you see! (if this applied to India, my mom would have been sentenced to lifetime imprisonment for the number of times she has disciplined me.)
So this girl, Trisha, threatened her desi mom that she’ll call 911 if she refuses to buy her a burger!
Tell me in the comments if you have come across creative empty threats!
Or if you’ve threatened anyone with creative empty threats!
Or have been whipped to criss-cross buns.
Or have tried to swallow your own tongue! 🙂
P.S. My fav Bollywood bhai-behen characters & bhandaar of empty threats:
- Ranveer-Priyanka in Dil Dhadakne Do. Cheggout this scene where he takes his sister’s side with his sarcasm
- Nakul-Gullar in Badhaai Ho.
- Amit-Aditi (Genelia & Prateik Babbar) in Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na.